First Post

Someone told me a while ago that we all have a story inside of us.. I believe that I have a few. This blog will show you in not so many words or too many words even, depending on how long you like to read... Just how many stories reside in the depths of my psyche and the inspiration that creates them. I am a lot like you.. I am quite normal in my thinking, but quite un-normal at the same time. My individuality is unique and my spirit is strong. Dont get me wrong, Ive got my moments haha.. The many sides of a person include character designs of shadows... I am no different. I claim not to be better than any one else and my openness is so much so that I have been told in the past that my brain should fall out!  


I have had this blog for a while now.. Just sitting here in my list of favorites, knowing that I want to journal, but not really knowing where to start.. Until the day that one of my good friends mentioned that phrase to me.. That we all have a story inside of us. I thought, "Thats a great way of thinking! Of course we do!" 


So with that said, let me start my journal on the basis of my childhood.


 I was born and raised in a very small town in Ohio.. My earliest recollection is that of a small apartment dwelling with my two parents. I remember the apartment to be small and on top of yet another apartment. As if it were two homes, one on the bottom, one up top. To my best relocation, we lived in the top apartment. I say this because as a very very young child, I can remember my Mother carrying me up the stairs of the building and looking down past her shoulder and being afraid of being so high up. I also remember the kitchen and some of the living area.. The kitchen was yellow and they sat me in a high chair close to the refrigerator. I remember the high chair not being very comfortable either. I remember that I did not like it and that I could not understand why I was there. I remember as well the kitchen window being to my right and being able to see out to some sort of tree or the other... I recall that to my left was a door way that led to another room and to the right and center was the table where my parents would sit. The living area was also small, but I remember the carpet being rough on my skin and how much I did not care for it. It seemed that I did not know why I was there to begin with at all and did these people not understand that I was not who they thought I was?? I felt very confused in my way of thinking. I also remember a time or two in the crib of my room, toys were here and there and there was a particular stuffed rabbit that I was interested in. I remember that I liked the woman in the house very much because she always talked to me and had a smile on her face even tho at the time I did not quite understand the language. 


All of these memories, as I come to find out much later on through my Mother, were that of me being younger than the age of 1yr old. 


I remember a lot of my childhood and my very young years.. And I always seemed to be the odd one out. I remember the day that they brought my brother home to the new house that we moved into. How dare they??Did they not know *still* who I was?? I felt as if I were trapped in a very young body and I didnt know how to relay my thoughts. I went with the flow. I did not like the younger brother and I particularly didnt like that the woman made such a fuss over him. He was small and loud and sometimes he smelled funny. I wished that they would have taken him back to where ever they got him from. These were the thoughts that I had when I was 3yrs old. 


I grew into a quiet child.. I played mostly on my own, but I had a few friends from time to time. None of them knew me and I didnt understand that either. Why do they not know me?? I expected everyone to know who I was and no one seemed to know! I was extremely frustrated! I knew things that most children my age did not. I could expect and know things that were about to happen.. I felt a very strong bond with what I later called "The Uppers"... I never felt my age and the children that were my age only disappointed me.. Sometimes I felt resentful and discouraged.. I was in small body and knew that I shouldnt be. I knew that I was much older, why didnt every one else? I tried very hard to "hang out" with the adults only to be told to go play with the younger children. What was this??? So I mostly sat and listened to them because they would not sit and listen to me. 


I was the odd one out, the strange child who knew things.. The kid that had this uncanny way about her. Adults did not understand.. Children my age didnt even try. I felt very alone at times and didnt comprehend.. These adults should know who I was but didnt. I always felt so much older than my age.. I began talking to angels. I knew they were there, and not only did I know... I knew they heard me, just as well as I heard them... I also knew that they brought me to this place and through them I tried to understand more of my surroundings.. It worked for awhile.. For a long time I thought that others were just like me. Knowing and hearing the things that I did.. Until one day, my grandmother on my fathers side took me to church with her.


It was time she said, for me to learn about God and Jesus. I loved my grandmother dearly and she always made the best homemade cookies so I wanted very much to please her. I went to sunday school every week while she went to church in another part of this, what seemed to me at the time to be... an enormous building.. And there, I had to sit straight and proper and stay in my seat (which was incredibly hard for me) and listen and learn about the one they called Jesus and another they called God. I was probably right around the age of 3 or 4yrs old. I remember mostly because I had not yet started elementary school. And as usual in a sunday school, there were bible stories and lectures... I was completely bored. I knew in my small mind that there was much more to this than what they were trying to teach me. I confronted my Grandmother.. Surely she would know! Because I wasnt completely buying into this entire, "God so loved the world that he sent his only beloved son" nor "Jesus dying for our sins".  Why I thought, be a martyr for the entire world?? Only in my little mind, it came out more like... "Why would this person do this??" Sounded pretty silly to me..


Of course my Grandmother, bless her heart .. Had a reason for it... Because he loved us, thats why!


Well that didnt sound right to me either... The man didnt even know me! And thats what I asked her. Why would he love me so much that he would die for me? Her reasoning still didnt make sense.. She said he died for my sins. But I hadnt created any sins I told her. Finally to try and appease me, my Grandmother took me to the minister where I could quiz him too. The minister seemed to me to be a great man.. A really big man.. Someone that another could talk to and would make sense of things... Only.. He still made no sense to me. My Grandmother told him about me, and said that I had questions and explained my questions to him.. Im sure he did the best he could.. But still... He went on to say that Jesus died for us so that we could be forgiven and go to Heaven.


"But why do we need to be forgiven?" I asked him. I couldnt recall a time that I did anything so wrong that I would not go back to the source... He smiled at me as if I were such a cute little curious thing and he said that mankind sinned against God.. And he said that God was Infinate and Holy and Righteous. And that God must punish the sinner and that if he didnt punish the sinner, then his law was not law at all, and that theres consequences for breaking laws. Especially God's laws... And that the punishment for breaking God's law was separation from God and not getting into Heaven. So he sent Jesus to us to forgive all of mankinds sins so that who so ever choose to keep and serve the Lord, would get into Heaven.


Sounded a lot to me (and still does haha) that the minister was talking in circles and really didnt know what to say to this curious minded child.


So...


I told him that he was wrong. I told him that I could not have sinned because I was a kid.. I told him that if there really and truly was a God, that it didnt make sense to me that everyone sinned. How can everyone sin?? I told him that was stupid and that it didnt make sense. What about a baby?? A baby could not be a sinner because it was too young to do anything wrong.


The minister being quite startled, tried to explain to me that just by being born a person has sinned. I remember staring at the man... "How can that be??!!"  Even tho at the time I was thinking back on my baby brother at the house there with my Mom and thinking that if God wanted to take any child for being a sinner, that maybe I'd luck out and he'd take that one! God never did tho... But I wanted answers to my questions and he kept giving me riddles and talking down to me as if I was really that 3 or 4yr old child. He went on to say that the only one who could do what he wanted, was God himself. Apparently the minister did not know who I was either! How disapointing!!


I think my Grandmother might of pulled me out of Sunday School that very day because of the questions I had for the minister and the way that I talked to him. Tho I didnt mean to, I think I might have unknowingly embarassed her, but the minister still did not make sense to me, and neither did this entire church buisness either. Maybe too, I just didnt want to go back. I knew then and there, that there was more to what this church and Sunday school was teaching and I wanted to get to the bottom of it... I knew it.. Because the angels told me so...


As I was growing up, adults seemed to me to be confusing.. Always saying one thing and doing another. I watched them all the time. Some of the things the grown ups did or said, just like the things that were being taught in Sunday school, just didnt make sense! And the minister was no different. I thought it was really sad that my Grandmother looked up to this person! Tho initially, I thought he was supposed to be special because he got to wear the cool robe and boasted loud and thundering from him podium, Hell fire and brimstone, Gloom and Doom to the ones who wont follow Jesus!


But this business with God punishing people for being sinners when they didnt do anything wrong was beyond me. The minister himself said that the only one who could do what  he wanted was God himself! But at Sunday school we were being taught that we are not to be arrogant or jealous... This God that the Minister talked about sure did sound arrogant and jealous to me. Why would this God be so jealous and arrogant?? Was he afraid someone would come along and know the real answers???


Apparently these humans thought I was "new"!


And this is where my journey for truly finding out came to be...


I was not the person that the adults thought I was.. I was not the person that my Grandmother or the Minister thought I was... I knew there was more to everything... The angels that I spoke with told me that there was far much more than what any human could ever understand... And after this, my thoughts were... If this was not proof to me, I dont know what would have been. I knew the angels were right... And I was out to find out as much as I possibly could..